Failure - God’s will for me
If there’s one consistent thing in my life it’s failure.
Thankfully, I'm not afraid to fail. However, I am baffled when I try so hard at something and STILL fail. Repeatedly. I don't mind failure when it’s something new to me or it’s something I don't like. But when I've tried for a very long time or put extreme, crazy amounts of energy and effort into something, or when it’s something that’s very important to me to not fail at…and then I still fail… I'm frustrated. Overwhelmed. I don't understand. I’m often sad and disappointed. Maybe even mad at myself.
Like how in the world could I try so hard at something and completely fail?
I think the key is in that last sentence. The key phrase is “in the world”. Ok now maybe I'm getting somewhere in figuring this out. Me trying “in the world” leads to …failure. And a lot of the time when I put all my effort into trying, I will go to absurd levels, even risking my own health to succeed. I just refuse and I mean absolutely refuse to give up. I’ll keep trying no matter how badly I keep failing.
You may think this is a strength, but I can tell you, it is not. It is the sin of pride. It's me thinking that my way, my plan, and my ideas are better than God's for me. It's me refusing to surrender my will to God. It’s also a strategy coming from darkness against God and an effective strategy of evil and darkness coming from the devil, watching the success of his scheme. The devils plan is getting me to waste all kinds of time and effort so that I exhaust myself. His plan and my sin get me to waste all kinds of resources and in the process I'm not growing with God, not being the best I can be and, as a result, not really glorifying God as he commands. This ends up hampering my usefulness for God. Because I refuse to be directed by God, I insist on not giving up and I insist on my own ideas. I insist on doing it my way. I insist…on failure.
And since God sees all things looking down from heaven, I wonder how he can be so patient and merciful with me. Especially since it's only recently that I've realized I live my life this way. God has shown me it's the sin of pride. He shows me its my refusal to acknowledge what God has chosen for me. Thankfully, I can confess this to God and He forgives me. But, it’s mind boggling to realize, that for all this time, God has been waiting for me to give up my plan, surrender my will and come to Him. That’s a long wait. That shows me something. How much God loves me. He must have something incredible planned for me, since He has not given up and has waited so long. That’s his mercy beyond our understanding. That’s love, love that only God can give. Love that tolerates being rejected by me for decades and STILL shows love, kindness, forgiveness and care.
This also shows me something. That I must be very valuable to God. He must really want me to be doing something for Him that he could wait for decades for me to get started with His plan. Surely God has other people he could use. And he does. But why would he wait for me? What “in the world” could I do for God that he is insisting on waiting for? There’s that phrase again….”in the world”. I somehow sense a correlation happening. I’m insisting on trying my very best, and really I do try my best, but yet still failing “in the world”. And God is insisting on waiting for me to try HIS best through me “in the world”. However, this requires that I stop trying on my own and by myself. Insisting on my ideas, with my timing, and in my way.
God is not in need of any of my ideas, my timing, or my ways.
Isaiah 55:8-9 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.’
However, I do like a challenge and always have.
So now the challenge is how? How do I do this? How do I have God lead my life? I absolutely love plans and lists. I enjoy deadlines and logistics. I think numbers and data are fun…
Ok God what are all the plans? Where’s my to do list? When is everything due?
Interestingly enough, I've found God does not operate like this, simply because that doesn't require much faith on my part; with a clear list and plans everything is known. There’s really no faith required, no real learning or growing, no real patience or submitting to his will; no real reliance on Him.
I’ve never been good at waiting. Waiting to me is doing nothing. I always have things to do, many things. And I like it that way... I like organizing my tasks and being responsible and productive. However, they are my tasks, and my lists.
So here I am…waiting…on God's plans now. Ok…I can accept waiting. When is the waiting over with, God? When do I get started? What do I do while I wait? Certainly You don't want me to just do nothing, God? There must be a list. What is it, God? God, now what do I do? I can’t just do nothing right, God? So now I’m failing at even knowing God's will for me and what he wants me doing. Surely I can’t tell people I’m doing nothing, God…however there are some things I do know. I know the commands that are in Your Word. I know You want me to tell others about You. I do know You want me to bring glory to You, God. But, God, how am I going to achieve this by doing nothing? Although, I must acknowledge God, I do feel a prompting to write. Why would this be, God?…You know I don’t like writing, You know I’m not good at writing, You know I have no talent of any kind in writing, and You know I’ve always felt this way, God.
So, therefore…No, God.
No, I don't feel this is a good plan for me. I don’t really like this plan for me, God. And, God…what am I even going to write about? To start, I can write about…failing at my plan “in the world”.
Hmmmm, that’s it, I can indeed write about failing doing things my way. I’ll start with that, God. I must admit, God, I do feel You putting on my heart other topics to write about as well. I can write about Truths from Your Word and just the inspiration to share them.
Experiences in my life You've graciously given me, God. Ok, God, I’ll make a list of writing topics You've put on my heart.
I’ll get started writing my first one.
But how will anything I write be shared with others and glorify You as You command God? Who is going to read these? How will anyone read these? Will anyone even want to read these? What am I supposed to do with them once I write them? God, I hear You telling me to write a blog. Do You mean me? Write a blog?
This would never be on any list of mine to write anything and I’m even more terrified to share it. This somehow sounds…both exciting and terrifying at the same time. God, I don't feel confident in my writing… but I do feel confident in what You put on my heart to say. So, I will listen God and get started. I will work off Your list now. I will work with Your ideas and Your plans.
God, I must admit, I'm excited, to share Your truth, to glorify You, to testify about You and to encourage others. I genuinely want to share all the incredible things You’ve put on my heart to say. So here we are, God, I’m moving forward with Your plan instead of insisting and failing at my plans. I’m excited about YOU using me “in the world” in the way YOU want. I’m excited to share with others about You and to glorify You.
So here it is God.
Blog entry One
Follow God and bake from your heart,
Ellie