God, I might be mad at you
Ok God, I’ve admitted it. Good, I feel better now.
I believe I’ve been feeling this for a long time. However, I didn’t recognize it until recently. I thought it was something more like this…
Hey, I’m extremely upset situation abc didn’t work out.
Hey, I’m pretty disappointed in xyz person and everything that just occurred.
Well, life isn’t perfect so I’ll try to just move on. I’ll try to forgive (this only comes with God involved). I’ll go on with all the other things in the world I have to manage.
I believe what I really meant is this…
Hey God, I’m extremely upset situation abc didn’t work out.
Hey God, I’m pretty disappointed in xyz person and everything that just occurred.
And God, why did you let this happen this way? That was a disaster for me. And God, why did you let that person hurt me in the way that they did? And God, I guess I’ll just move on and deal with all the other things in the world that are coming my way.
Nope. Wrong. Multiple issues happening.
Let’s start with the most obvious one. Yep, I'm mad at God. How in the world did I miss the memo on this for so long? I have no idea. So all along I’ve secretly been blaming God? However, it’s not been a secret in my heart. Surely that’s led to a lot of resentment. My heart already knows this. My mind just needed to catch up.
And wow, that’s a VERY long time at being mad at God. I can’t imagine the damage I’ve caused to our relationship. Now what do I do? This makes me sad to have been mad at God for so long. How can I fix this? God, I need to get started on this right away.
Second major issue. I’ve taken over something from God that is very important. The position of Life Manager. And with my “A” type personality that’s great! I love that I’m in charge. Works perfect for me. But does it really?
No. Because the position is not meant for me. It’s meant for God. I’m literally not designed for the role. I’m made as God’s child and servant. Period. Not the other way around. It’s like I’ve been playing the opposite game and can’t see that I’ve been losing. Very humbling indeed. Because as a self professed “A” type personality…I like to win. Always.
I’m in major need of a complete redo. I’m firing myself from the Life Manager position. But now what? Now what do I do? What is my true position?
Romans 12:1-2 “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
Well, I’m back to being humbled. It’s quite clear that I’m not in charge. And not only that I’m not in charge, but I am to offer myself fully to God. Part of me thinks…I’ve got a VERY long way to go. And I’m sure I do. But part of me thinks…God has blessed me with incredible mercy! And he has!
If I do a job performance review on my role as Life Manager, it’s not too impressive. Sure maybe I’ve gotten by ok (actually it’s been God blessing me). But God wants FAR more than for me to get by. I can have God’s best! Which is far superior to my best. But…I have to give the position fully to him.
This is not easy for me. It comes back to me being a professed “A” type personality (but am I really? maybe more on this later). I love being in charge. I love leading myself. I love a challenge. I love succeeding at the challenge. But all of this is really just a lie I’ve let myself believe. It’s contrary to God’s word. No wonder deep down in my heart that I’m mad at God. I’m actively going against God. I’m making God the opponent in my life.
As I continue to think about this, a few things come to my mind. Yes, I love succeeding at what I do. But am I really successful? No. If you’ve read the first entry of this blog…”Failure, God’s will for me” it’s very clear I’ve not really been succeeding. And if I love succeeding and yet I’m actually failing, then there’s disappointment. I’m mad. At myself. But that’s actually incorrect. That’s the lie I’ve told myself. I’ve actually been mad at God.
But wait, there’s more (that’s probably not funny, why would I even keep that in here?)(insert sad face here). In all seriousness, this also applies to my self professed “prideful perfectionist” mindset. Not only do I insist on doing it myself, I insist on perfection. As I write this, only one thing is coming to mind…no wonder I’m miserable living this way. This sounds exhausting. This IS exhausting. No wonder I’m mad at God. I’m failing. And I hate failing.
My conclusion…
Doing it my way = frustration, exhaustion, failure
Doing it God’s way = “good and pleasing and perfect”
So yes God, I’m firing myself. The position is yours. Ok, I feel much better now.
So perhaps I should change the title of this entry.
God, thank you for loving me even if I'm mad at you
So here it is.
Blog entry Five
Follow God and Bake from your Heart,
Ellie