God, I’m not good enough
To consistently obey your word. I do want to. I do try. So how in the world can I fail so badly?
The first thing coming to my mind is…
Romans 7:15 “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.”
Yes. This is me. Ok good, I’m not the only one who does this.
I prefer success at all times. However, the first entry in this blog is about my failure… so unfortunately I am quite familiar with it. I think now is a good time to reintroduce my “prideful perfectionist” ways. I feel I’ve addressed the prideful part enough for now (if you’ve read my other entries). So in this entry I’m going to focus on the perfectionist part of me.
I like being perfect. That is always my goal. If there's a test…I’ll be getting an A. And it ends there. Anything less and I’m disappointed. I must admit it’s pretty funny that the only subject that can take me down is…writing (insert smile here). But anyway, back to my point.
Why do I NEED to be perfect? I mean at this point in my life does it really still matter? I’m not in school anymore. I really don’t take tests. Why I am so insistent on grading myself?
I believe the root issue is my identity in Christ. And my rejection of the truth about who God says I am. This is critically important because my refusal to believe it is causing all sorts of less than “A” results for me. I feel this would be a great time for a list (in fact there is never a bad time for one)(insert smile here). A list of who God says I am. Perhaps it’d be good to see right next each one what I’m actually believing. This should be interesting…
God says I am
Wonderfully made…(Psalm 139:14)
God’s workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)
Chosen (John 15:16)
Bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:20)
The light of the world (Matthew 5:14)
God’s temple (1 Corinthians 3:16)
Holy, blameless, and above reproach (Colossians 1:22)
You may be wondering, where are my thoughts next to each declaration? I just said it would be interesting. Well, it isn’t. And I can’t put them there now. I feel that’s a defilement of God’s holy word. I’m humbled by the list. It’s far above any thoughts I have. God’s thoughts are perfect. Mine are not. God is perfect. I am not. I’m made perfect in Christ alone. No human words are needed now.
And this isn’t even a complete list. How in the world can I possibly feel I have any sort of standard of perfection? I clearly don’t.
Since it felt wrong putting my thoughts on my identity in Christ next to the scripture above, then where am I going to add them? Maybe I can talk about my thoughts in this paragraph (is this really a paragraph)? I guess that’s a good plan? It isn't. And I can’t even put them here. I feel that’s detestable in God’s eyes. I am happy to share my very unworthy thoughts on this blog. And my hope is someone can relate and it bring glory to God. But to put them in this entry seems off to me now.
So now what do I do? How should I finish this entry? I’m sensing that if this were for a grade, I wouldn’t be getting an A. How can I get an A on an entry with no real content from me? What do you want me to say God?
Nothing.
God’s holy word IS. It speaks far beyond anything I could even fathom to say.
It’s perfect. And I’m not.
So I’ll let God’s holy word speak.
Matthew 5:14 “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden”
So perhaps I should change the title of this entry.
“God, in YOU, I AM good enough”
So here it is.
Blog entry Eight
Follow God and Bake from your Heart,
Ellie