I’m not on my “A” game
Ummm ok…what does that mean? So am I on my “B” game then? That’s even worse to think of. I don’t accept “B” grades. This isn’t fitting into my prideful perfectionist goals too well. And is there an actual grading system for my performance in the game? Who is the grader? Next questions.
What is the game? Is life a game? Who makes the rules for the game? What are the rules? I need to know so I can make sure I do them perfectly. Next questions.
What is my game plan? I really don’t know. Am I supposed to be having one? And I really don't like all these game references. Does life just come down to a game? And my performance in the game?
Matthew 16:25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
If you’ve read my other entries, after I include God’s truth, I usually feel much better. Unfortunately, I’m not sure I can say that in this entry. I mean “lose my life for God’s sake” that honestly sounds kinda scary to me. And who gets to pick the parts that I have to lose? I’m thinking its not me…
And there are a lot of unknowns in that verse. My way sounds much safer. I’d like to know ahead of time what God may want me to give up for him. That way I can decide now if any of them won't work for me. Wow, did I really just type that? Yes, and that does sound pretty horrible, but sometimes I do feel that way. There are times I’m just amazed that God can be so gracious and patient with me. This would be one of them.
There’s another problem. All of this doesn’t fit too well into myprideful perfectionist goals. I like to pick. I like to decide. I’ll pick what’s best for me…But do I (no)? Is it really best for me (no)? As a follower of God, why wouldn’t I be surrendering to what he wants (I am a sinner following the ways of the world)? Why wouldn't I trust that he knows best (same answer - I am a sinner in the world)?
So many questions, and not a lot of solutions so far…One thing is clear. I’m definitely not on my “A” game in this entry so far.
And Is my day as God’s child truly about my view on some sort of life game and my performance in it? And how in the world, as a prideful perfectionist could I be failing so badly at it? Prideful perfectionism doesn’t include failure. But as God’s child, prideful perfectionism IS failure. As I write this, I think this would be a good entry to stop using the phrase prideful perfectionist to describe myself. I am not a prideful perfectionist, I’m a child of God. Using such a worldly term to describe myself is not how I want to follow God. I feel that is detestable to God. Correction, that IS detestable to God. I can ask for forgiveness at this point. And I will. Moving on.
Back to God. Focus on God. So far this entry has not been focused on God (seems to be a recurring issue for me). And here’s how I know that. Perhaps you are on your “A” game and picked up on it already (insert smile face here). The answer is, there is sentence in the above paragraph that includes three “me’s”…that’s not a good sign. So, I’ve got:
my day = wrong
my view = wrong
my grading of my performance = wrong
Here we are again. Somehow we’ve made it back here. The battle lives on. Me. Me. Me. (and that’s literally accurate this time). Three wrong “me’s”. I think that puts me on my “D” game. Yikes, I’m one grade away from total failure. No wonder this is all a mess. Only God can turn this around at this point.
Ephesians 2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Praise Jesus literally. Yes, that truth is much better than anything in the world (including my truth). Now that God’s Word has got me back on track, I believe this entry is going to get turned around in the right direction. Get it out of the world, get it into God. So let’s revisit the three “me’s”.
my day = God’s day
my view = God’s view
my performance = God is the evaluator
I’ll start with “my day”. It’s God’s day. He has given me the day for a reason. He has given me everything I need to complete his plans today. I can start the day with prayer asking what God would like me to do.
God’s view IS the only real view. His view IS. My views don't matter. My views are wrong. My views are sinful. (I had to tie back in the three me’s somehow)(Wow..I’m already back to myself…I can’t do this without God). I just proved it yet again in that sentence. My views are full of the world (sinful) and full of pride(also sinful). God’s perspective is the only one that matters if I’m truly committed to following him. I can ask for help anytime. I clearly need it. Thankfully the Bible is full of God’s perspective.
God’s evaluation of his day for me is the indicator of success, not mine. God is the evaluator, not me. I’m grateful I have the Holy Spirit to help convict and guide me throughout God’s day. And the only way to truly know how the day went is to ask God at the end of it.
There’s something else I’m noticing that’s very comforting. The time period is a day. Literally one day.
Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Quite true indeed. It is evident that today is fully sufficient with its own struggles. I cannot even make it through this entry without God’s direction.
I’m sure it’s extremely obvious how badly I need to apply this verse in my life.
Before I end this entry, there’s something else that interesting to me. If you notice, all the “game” references pretty much ended once I got on to God’s perspective and truth and out of my own. I mean how many “game” questions can I really ask (my count is twelve)(insert smile here)? So praise Jesus that got turned around, I was getting sick of even typing them all.
So in addition to focusing on God and not myself, I’m to focus on the literal day that he’s given me. And what God wants for that day for me. This will take a lot of practice, but I am God’s workmanship and he already knows that. And he is loving me in spite of myself (I do find joy in tying in another entry title)(insert smile face here)(wait I’m back to myself)(time to go).
So perhaps I should change the title of this entry.
God, I do not care if I’m on my “A” game
So here it is.
Blog entry Fourteen
Follow God and Bake from your Heart,
Ellie